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I guess its a blog day.
Today I have to clean downstairs which downstairs is the kids play room. It's a mess. Well actually it's half a mess. When you look down the stairs from the living room, it looks very clean and organized down there. That is because you can only see one section. There are walls that block the view of the the entire room .You can only see one section from the top of the stairs. The kids have picked up on this. So when I tell them to clean downstairs, they clean that one section spotless. They move all the toys and crap to the sides of the room where the walls block the view. They have figured out that when they ask me to check it, I just look down the stairs. So they clean the part I can see. Smart kids.

I am going to have to start decorating for Christmas soon and that sucks. I have it in my head that if I put off decorating for as long as I can that will somehow slow down the month and give me more time to scrape some funds together. We usually have HUGE Christmas. I mean HUGE. Santa stacks the presents so the kids cant see the tree. He covers the tree from all sides. The kids are so amazed at this and of course it takes some skilled stacking to achieve this. As the kids get older, the gifts get smaller. making it even harder to cover the tree.
This year of course the money is not there. So as of right now I have no clue how the hell I am going to make a stack of presents, covering the tree from all sides, with 3 gifts. 3 shirts to be exact. That is what I am working with here. 3 shirt boxes.
The stress continues.

Ok so this whole I must blog everyday thing has really gone downhill lol
But I have been really busy!
Like last week child support enforcement and I become BFF's. they aren't too happy about it, but I am. I think I may buy best friend tee shirts for us!
Basically they still don't want to do anything with child support STILL. They told me last week that they couldn't get the go ahead to serve the SOB because the post office can not verify that he lives at the address I provided. Um WHAT? I am finding it REALLY hard to believe that the post office knows who lives at any house on any given day. Do they really keep a record of EVERY piece of mail they receive for your house? Is their some special alert that goes off when mail for your house has a new addressee on it? I find that hard to believe because we have been getting Cindy Albequercie's mail for YEARS! Yes Cindy if you are reading this, we have your mail!
But that is what they want to claim. Cindy and I aren't buying it.
So I argued a little. Then they told me the only way they can go ahead with it is if I fax a letter stating that the address provided to the office is his home address.
Um wasn't that the same thing I did before? like when they asked "do you have his home address?" and I replied "Yes", didn't that pretty much do the same thing when they had me write it down?
Anything to delay them doing their job I guess.
I did inform Mrs. Shitforbrains that I will be calling her every week to find out what progress she has made in the prior week. I want a full report on what steps have been taken for my child to get the money she deserves. And of course if my weekly phone calls to her and the governors office do not motivate them, then I told her I will come to her office at least once a week so we can discuss it face to face. I also informed her that they have slept on this case for almost 14 years. Naptime is over bitches. I am DONE.
I also emailed my senator, congressman, and states attorney.
I figure if I bug them enough they are going to do whatever they can to get rid of me.
I will NOT let this slide.
I filed 14 YEARS ago and still have never had a court date establishing support. What does that mean? Well that means that for the last 14 years that they have ignored my case, douchebag does not owe my daughter anything. Not a dime. And when I do go to court, he will owe from the day he got served. They blew me off for 14 years and now all the time for financial support is LOST.
I guess I can file for back child support on my own dime which I probably will after I get the first court date.
Right now it isn't even about the douchebag. It is about the state that has failed to do their job for 14 years. I am more concerned about being a pain in their ass right now.
other than that, the boys started basketball. they are doing really well.
I registered for school and have to get my financial aid stuff in order today.
Unemployment is a pain in my ass.
And it's snowing.

The results are in

Went for my mammogram/ultrasound/surgeon consult today. I do NOT have breast cancer (yay) just a few cysts that re nothing to worry about. I have to go for a recheck in a few months to make sure there haven't been any changes.
What a RELIEF!
The stress over that is finally gone!
Best day ever!
Now of course I still have to get my cervix tests back but I am not nervous about that at all. I have been there, done that, so whatever.

So now tomorrow is a new day.
I have to lose some weight. HAVE TO. I don't know what happened. I have been thin my whole life, almost sickly looking at times. Had a flat stomach after 3 kids. Then i turned 30.
All down hill from there.
Of course, with me not working, I have become a little less active, if active at all on some days.
I swear some days I hardly move from the couch. It has become my happy place lol.
So tomorrow I am going to start eating 3 meals a day. Which is A HUGE thing for me. I hate eating. So i eat like once a day, sometimes not even that.
So the dieting starts tomorrow or at least that is the plan.
Not sure if I will feel like following through with "the plan" when i wake up.

I also have to brush up on my algebra skills tomorrow. I have to retake the math entrance exam this week. Registration for school is Nov. 30th and I have to know what math course I am going to be able to take.
Oh and I am going to start using coupons and saving money where ever I can. Things are pretty lean around here and with Christmas coming, it may even get worse. So I need to start saving wherever I can.

Random

I promised myself I would post something everyday. So here we go.
some very random things about me
1.When I drive, I have no clue where the front of the car starts and where the back of the car ends. It takes me at least 4 gear shifts between reverse and drive to get out and in of parking spaces

2. Douche bag is my favorite thing to call people

3.I am considering getting internet access on my phone JUST for facebook status updates

4.I dont think I own a complete matching pair of socks. Well I am sure I do but my socks haven't been a complete 100% match in months.

5. I quit smoking. It lasted a month without any cheating. I celebrated with a cigarette. I am smoking again.

6.I have an OBSESSION with eye lashes. I am about to start wearing fake ones if I could figure out how to not look stupid while wearing them.

7.I have dreams about my teeth falling out constantly. And not just falling out for no reason. i push them out forcefully with my tongue. I wonder if I am really pushing that hard on my teeth when I sleep?

ok thats it. Yay I posted something!
And I leave with this picture of Trystan on his first day of school. they game him a name tag to wear around his neck. So I made him turn his head and hold it up for a profile mug shot picture.

Off to the doc......again

I swear I am so getting sick of doctor appointments.
Today I am off to the doctor for a colposcopy. It's really weird that 2 different parts of my body are now being tested for cancer. Funny how life is, huh?

This is I think the 10th one of these I have gotten. They suck!
I have had cancerous cells in my cervix since I was 14 and here we are (almost) 20 years later dealing with the same thing.
I have had my cervix frozen 2 times, scraped 3 times, 2 LEEP procedures and some other one that I can't recall.
The last time I dealt with this, I was this >< close to being diagnosed with cervical cancer. The only thing that was stopping the diagnosis was that it did not embed into the tissues outside my cervix or something like that.
How sad is it that I can't remember this stuff. I think because I have been dealing with this for so long, it is so easy to forget.
Then Tuesday I have my mammogram at 8:30, breast ultrasound at 9 and consult with the surgeon at 9:30. Pretty tight schedule there.

But I have realized that if I do have cancer in my boob and/or my cervix, it will be ok.
It has to.
There isn't any other choice.
My bff told me I am too much of a bitch to die young. I think she is right.

Wordless Wednesday

A lot on my mind

I am going through a LOT right now.
2 weeks ago i went to the gyno to get an IUD and a pap.

Of course he did a breast exam. No big deal or at least I thought. he was concentrating a little too much attention on this one spot on my right boob (cant call it breast because I associate the word breast with cancer). He kept going back to it which was weird because there shouldn't be any issues there.
He said he felt a lump BUT it could just be a lumpy part of my cycle. Nothing to worry about but he would recheck it when i came in for the IUD.
So Nov. 6th I went back.
I was pretty confident because everyone had been telling me that it is common, don't worry, its nothing, all week. Plus I checked myself while I was in the shower that morning and I didn't feel anything. Of course, I don't know what I am looking for.
Drove to the doc. Went in. He did the breast exam again. He was still concentrating in that one spot.
No change.
I have a 3x4cm mass in my right boob.
have to get a mammogram and ultrasound next Tuesday. Followed by meeting with a surgeon to go over the results.

That was a weird day.
On the way to the docs office, I was thinking about Ayden's football games this weekend.
On the way back, I was thinking about life insurance.
I gave myself sometime on Friday to cry, whine, feel sorry for myself.
But that is all the time I will spend worrying about it.
Or at least I thought.
I focused on the kids all weekend. And just had a great time.
Then on SUNDAY at 9:03pm my phone rings. I answer and its a lady that is asking for donations to breast cancer research.
Well that killed the mood.

Now I am sitting here researching mammograms, lumps, masses, breast cancer etc.
I am dealing with the "what ifs?"
What if it IS breast cancer?
What if I die?
What if I have to go to chemo?
What if I cant go back to school?
What if I cant volunteer at Trystan's school anymore?
What if I lose my hair?
How will my family cope?
I do everything around here. What if I am not here to do it?

I guess I will find out on next Tuesday. Until then I will try to push all these worries aside and put on my best smiling face.
I just hope it isn't bad news.

Seriously do you hate me THIS much?

Being a mother is tough, I want the BEST for my children. I will protect them at any costs. I live for them, I would gladly die for them. They are the reason I wake up in the morning. My kids are EVERYTHING to me. EVERYTHING.
How is that not the same for all mothers? Especially MY mother?

I have been wracking my brain and searching for the reason my mother hates me so much. The only thing I have discovered is my mother doesn't JUST hate me, she loathes me. She wants to destroy me.
Why? How does that happen?

I have always been the black sheep of the family. I am the youngest of 3, isn't the baby supposed to be favored? Did she not get the memo? Did she never watch the Brady Bunch when everything that little bratty Cindy did was forgiven and laughed at?
Instead I am more like that little shit cousin Oliver that brought the Brady Bunch down. Poor Oliver, he will always been known as the kid that ruined the Brady Bunch. Am i seriously putting myself in the same category as cousin Oliver? Oh crap is this what depression feels like?

Let's move on before I compare myself to DJ from Roseanne!

My mom is a spoiled child. She throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her way. She also does not like the fact that i am the authority figure when it comes to my 13 year old daughter. Somewhere in my mom s warped mind, she thinks being the Grandmother trumps what I say. But not every Grandmother, just HER. If my husbands mother pulled this shit my mom would have her head on a platter.

My mother is insane. An insane spoiled brat that enjoys torturing me. Not my brother or my sister, just me.

For the last 36 hours, my mom has threatened me my phone, email, and Facebook. It all started because I told my 13 year old daughter that she can't have a computer of her own. This isn't news to Kayla by any means. She had a computer that we took away a year ago because she abused the privilege-sneaking on without permission, chatting on weird forums with odd people etc.

my mom decided she is buying my daughter a computer. I told Kayla no.
She texted my mom on the cell phone that my mom bought her which was also not approved by me. Again Kayla had a cell phone and she abused the privilege. But my mom bought her one anyway. Well the reason for the cell phone is here is so Kayla can text my mom 100x a day and complain about me. And of course my mom then talks shit about me to my daughter. I told Kayla she cant have a computer. She texts my mom,. My mom talks shit. I take the phone away for the night.

My mom is FUMING because I wouldn't allow Kayla to have her own computer, so she starts writing rude things on my facebook wall. Like take care of your kids instead of being on the computer. Why is Kayla NEVER on the computer and you are? bla bla bla

Then my mom found out that I took the cell phone-she loses her mind. Calls my house leaves threatening messages on my phone. Writes on my facebook wall again. Emails me threats to give Kayla's phone back or shes calling CPS and going to the police department to see what they can arrest me on. I delete her from facebook. She then starts sending friend requests to my facebook friends trying to talk shit about me on their walls. Luckily I have stopped that for now.

I got an email from her last night saying I have gone over her deadline she allowed me to give Kayla back the phone. I didn't know there was a deadline, it wouldn't have made any difference but I still didn't know. But now that the deadline has been reached she is going to do EVERYTHING in her power to get me arrested. Including contacting my Uncle who is a retired Chicago police officer to assist her in what charges to falsify.

She called child protective services, they were at my door this morning. I didn't answer it because I was fucking fuming. If they come back tomorrow I will let them in. But today was not a good day for me mentally. I would have gone to jail.
So I am sure they will be my morning wake up call again tomorrow. JOY

I just don't get it. I don't understand when she went insane. I don't know why she feels that since she cant control what happens in my house the only option is to get me arrested and try to get my kids taken away from me. How does this make any sense? How can someone that gave birth to me and raised me, hate me so much?
Hate me so much that her only goal now is to destroy me. How does this happen?

All I can do now is pray.
Pray that my kids will not be effected by her insanity.
Pray that this will all blow over.
Pray that whatever claims she makes against me are not taken seriously.
Pray for my daughter that loves her Grandmother so much and now my mom has forced my hand to cut off all ties with her.
I guess over all pray for my mom.
That some day she can see past her hatred of me long enough to figure out that the only thing she is doing is destroying the relationship that she could have had with my 3 wonderful, beautiful children.
I just don't understand why she hates me SO much.

Pity party....guess whos invited?

Ughhhhh I hate the fact that I have become so angry since all this bull shit has started with my former employer. The anger and sadness comes and goes, but when it comes it comes like a freaking freight train. And it hurts. Hurts really bad.

I wish i could snap out of it but so much has happened and I every day when I wake up I know I am fighting for my family and myself. Why does everything have to be a fight? It seems everything I have, I had to fight for, including the ability to stand up for myself. And once I win the fight to get it, I continuously have to fight to keep it. Cant anything just come easy? Not for me, that's for sure.

My biggest fear right now is what if I lose on this sexual harassment thing. What if things don't go my way? Will I come out of it as a stronger person? Or will I realize that sometimes it really isn't worth standing up for yourself? Will I be the same as I was before? Or will that overwhelming self esteem I have built back up over the years vanish into the distance yet again? I don't have the answers but I sure as hell wish I did.

I had a friend say to me today that they don't know how I do it. How I go through all of this shit, especially now, and still manage to keep a smile on my face? My answer-because I have kids. I have 3 kids that depend on me. Mommy's cant cry even if they are dying inside. I have to be strong for THEM.

And now lets see what is on my plate this week-tomorrow I have to go to a hearing to fight my homeowners association. I still am waiting to find out if I qualify for unemployment. I still cant find a job. I have to find a way to get money to pay rent that was due on July 1st. I have to get money for my bills. And some how manage to feed my kids. All while hoping my gas, electricity and phone doesn't get turned off.
Life is grand.

Bull Shit

bull shit is the only way I can describe my life right now. It is the only way to sum up what I am going through and how I am feeling. By no means am I feeling sorry for myself or wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but seriously this is bull shit.

If you don't know what I am talking about-long story short-a coworker was touching me inappropriately. It escalated. I told management. They took my 2 sentence verbal complaint. Talked to him. I worked in a restaurant. From that point on the busboys wouldn't help me. 7 days later (3 working days later) I was once again assigned this bus boy,. He started rubbing up against my chest again and groping me. I broke down in tears but continued working. I made a minor mistake of not getting a receipt signed the 2nd time. And they fired me.
I had a spotless record there. No write ups. I just had my review in the beginning of May which was perfect. No complaints about my job performance. The 4th consecutive perfect review in the 2 years I was there.
Fired.
I do not know if I would have just kept letting this man touch me and not complained, would I still have a job? I think so. Seeing that the manager that fired me was the gropers long time friend that didn't believe me when I said he was touching me. And didn't listen to the other 2 girls that said the same thing happened to them.
Its just bull shit. Bull shit that I did what I was supposed to do, report sexual harassment to management. And look where I am-unemployed. Where is the groper? Working. He never missed a minute of work. I was suspended pending investigation for 5 days.
The only way I can describe it is bull shit.
It amazes me still that my rights were violated and no one did anything. The groper is still there. He is not a legal resident of this country. So not only was he illegally working and residing in the United States, he was illegally violating my human rights. How the hell does that happen? How is that allowed?
What the hell am I missing?
The good news is that the EEOC has filed charges against my former employer. They are on my side for right now and believe me.
The bad news. I'm unemployed with 3 kids, a dog, husband who luckily is working, no savings, no money.
I have been looking for a job but haven't found one yet. If I am entitled to unemployment I cant go back to school which was in the plans because you cant go to school and receive unemployment. Bull Shit.
All of my plans gone or at least delayed. My money, gone. My job, gone.
And what I have learned through all of this? if you are a woman at work and someone touches your breasts and/or your butt. Just deal with it. Don't stand up for yourself or your rights.
No I don't mean that. Let me rephrase........Absolutely stand up for yourself. Go through all proper channels to stand up for yourself. But before you stand up, be prepared for everything around you to fall. It may not happen that way, but be prepared.
If someone told me that this is where I would find myself after complaining about sexually harassment, I am not sure if I would do it again. Because this whole thing is bull shit.

Wordless Wednesday

Pathetic

Pathetic is the only way I can describe my life right now. Not all aspects of it, just my half assed career goals. I am 32 years old and I still have no clue what I want to do in life.

I am a server now and I am not happy. I don't want to serve anyone. Sometimes I don't even feel like serving my own family. And I sure as hell don't want to serve yours.

So next year my son will be in Kindergarten. The following year, all of the kids will be in school full time. Which I planned on being out of this business by then. Which means I have one year. One year to decide what my goals are. One year to find what I am meant to do.One year to figure out what I am passionate about doing. One year to figure out what my career will be for the rest of my life!
The rest of your life is a really long time for most people. Well it is if you manage to live long. That is one hell of a commitment.
Especially if you wake up one day at 32 years old and figure out that you are not passionate about anything. My ideal day would be waking up eventually, watching tv, playing with the kids, going online and going to bed. maybe throw some shopping in there, lunch with friends, & cocktails. Perfect day!!! But that doesn't pay. I need money.

So what is it that I am supposed to do?
My goal used to be by the time I was 30 to own a few horses, teach kids how to ride (show jumping) and just be a trainer. Of course when I had that goal I was also training for the Florida Circuit and supposed to follow that up with qualifying at least for the Olympic trials. That didn't work. I got pregnant.
Now the only horse I can afford is a stuffed horse head with a stick for a body. Wonder if anyone wants to learn how to ride that? lol

After my horse dreams died, there really hasn't been anything to replace it.
I am not passionate about anything.
My journey to finding out what I want to be when I grow up has begun. And the clock is ticking, quickly.

Things like this I swear only happen to me.
Everyday I drive a little kid that lives down the street to preschool. My son goes to the same school so it isn't like I am going out of my way at all. She wanted to give me gas money but told her not to worry about it because I am going there anyway.

So today I pulled up to pick him up and the mom was standing outside with a gift for my son and a card for me to thank us for driving him everyday. Very sweet!

So drove the kids to school. Then I decided to open the card when I was at the stop light. It was a nice thank you card and a gift card for a gas station by our house. Awesome! Especially since I didn't have any gas. So I was happy.

So I go to the gas station and take the card in with me to see how much is on this bad boy so I know how to much to put in my tank. They run the card and it has ZERO dollars on it. Yep you read right ZERO! So I don't know what happened but now I am in an uncomfortable situation of do I tell her? Or let it go? Since I don't know how much was supposed to be on there I don't know how to react. If it was just $5 then no big deal but if it was like $30 then they scammed her out of that money and I would want to know. Well I guess I would want to know either way.
I just cant believe it. Not that she has to give me anything but I cant believe I got an empty gift card as my thank you.

I swear you cant write the shit that happens in my life.

So the Swine Flu

Well today I got alot done. I went to Walgreens to pick up my script for Tamiflu (not my idea) but now we have it just in case. Then I had to get hand sanitizer for the kids to carry in their backpacks and to keep at school in their cubby's. Well first store-sold out. 2nd store-sold out. 3rd store-yup sold out. After 6 stores in 3 different cities I have come to the conclusion that everyone in the north shore suburbs is completely sanitized. Well I guess we dont have to sanitize if everyone else is sanitized right? I did however find some cute Dinosaur antibacterial foaming hand soap and lip balm. So it wasn't a complete bust.

I am amazed at how much I got done today. I have been depressed lately over somethings going on right now and haven't really done anything. Well today I forced myself to go on a shopping trip (see above) wash clothes, clean the living room. AND I filled out my rebate form for my phone for $100 that has to be post marked today and I filled out my child support papers. Oh yea you filthy piece of shit I am coming after you! LOL In reality I filled out forms that I filled out numerous times before with no resolution.

Child Support enforcement in Illinois is a joke! And not even a funny joke. Its like that stupid joke people keep telling over and over and over again because you felt bad and gave them a courtesy laugh. So now they think they are hilarious and are looking for applications to be on last comic standing.
I filed over 13 years ago for child support. 13 YEARS! And have never even gotten a court date. They did however cancel my case when my daughter was 8 because I sent them a nasty, foul email telling them how much they suck. So here we go again. I will take bets to see if I will ever get a court date by the time Kayla is 18. Hmm will I get a court date in the next 5 years? I would say probably not!

But I am really excited that Saturday is one of my favorite days EVER! Its Derby Day! Derby day is HUGE in this house. I have ridden horses since I was 6 so horses have always been part of my life. My dad and trainer would buy horses from the track (Arlington Race Track) train them and sell them for way more than they paid. I used to work at Arlington for a few years when we moved out here. I love it there. Anyway we usually go there for Derby Day but this year we are staying home and betting online. Yes I am a gambler. Most times when I am online I am betting on horses while watching the races on my tv. I had the Horse racing network added to my cable so I wont miss a race. This week I am in a funk and cant seem to win anything. But hopefully Saturday i will do well.
Alright have to pick up my son. Have a great day! Dont forget wash and sanitize!

Another day

So I have to work tonight which I am secretly excited about. Today I am closing and I am in the Bears room which is great because there is usually a $600 minimum before taxes to sit in there. So right there I am already at $120 before tip out. Plus I have 3 other tables. PLUS today is half price bottles of wine and triple points night. So it *should* be profitable. Hopefully.

Today I have managed to pay my electric and gas bill. SUCKS! I hate paying bills. HATE IT! But I did it and I guess I am proud. Now depending on tonight, I will figure out if I will be paying my cable bill tomorrow. This is part of my road to redemption that I am currently on. I have made mistakes throughout my life and I am trying to fix my issues. A few weeks ago I made a HUGE mistake and in 8 days I start the fight to rectify that situation.


Not too exciting of a blog huh? There isn't much excitement today. Just a regular non eventful day which I love.

Finally!

Well I finally have a blog! It was a little difficult finding a name, however after discussing it with Johnny and Don this morning, I figured it out.
My Ducking Life
Oh Johnny and Don are my ducks. Well not officially *my* ducks, they live in our neighborhood and they come by about every other day. I will be sitting outside smoking (yes I failed at quitting) and they will come up to our porch and hang out with me. The kids like to tease me about it. Like today the boys came running in to tell me "Mommy your friends are outside asking for you!" First thought in my head was Oh shit! I am wearing a tank top and jammy pants, look like shit, gut hanging out, make up still on from last night and my hair was a mess. Please don't let this be someone from work stopping by or someone I like that will reevaluate our friendship after seeing my look this way. And PLEASE don't let it be that drunk ass neighbor with the dog that for some reason finds it to be a good idea to walk his dogs in our yard and scream about fucking them in the asshole at 3am outside my window (true story).

So I walk to the door and find my ducks! The boys of course laugh and remind me those are my only friends. Whatever lol

So I sat outside with Johnny and Don. Decided to take a few pictures of them since I have never taken any before.
Johnny is the girl duck (brown) and Don is the grayish duck. The boys named them last year when we had to save one of their babies that they left behind. After that incident I kind of shunned Johnny and Don, they were crappy parents that abandoned their baby when it couldn't keep up with their walk to the pond. The kids and I picked the duck up with a bowl and brought it to the pond so they could reunite. And of course I had some other unresolved feelings with Don because after Johnny gave birth, Don wasn't around them too much. He would stop in every once in a while but really was a deadbeat loser dad. But after a few weeks, Don came back to his senses and decided to be a good dad and reunited with his offspring.

However I haven't seen their kids in quite sometime, they must be away at college or something. Whats really cool is that they are always together. For the past 3 years, anytime you see Johnny, Don is right by her. They are obviously in a committed relationship and Don doesn't even look at the other duck whores in the pond.
So anyway I decided to name my blog My Ducking Life. Much better than replacing the D with an F right?

So anyway here is my blog. Where I will ramble about useless things or vent about the crap I am going through right now.