Ughhhhh I hate the fact that I have become so angry since all this bull shit has started with my former employer. The anger and sadness comes and goes, but when it comes it comes like a freaking freight train. And it hurts. Hurts really bad.
I wish i could snap out of it but so much has happened and I every day when I wake up I know I am fighting for my family and myself. Why does everything have to be a fight? It seems everything I have, I had to fight for, including the ability to stand up for myself. And once I win the fight to get it, I continuously have to fight to keep it. Cant anything just come easy? Not for me, that's for sure.
My biggest fear right now is what if I lose on this sexual harassment thing. What if things don't go my way? Will I come out of it as a stronger person? Or will I realize that sometimes it really isn't worth standing up for yourself? Will I be the same as I was before? Or will that overwhelming self esteem I have built back up over the years vanish into the distance yet again? I don't have the answers but I sure as hell wish I did.
I had a friend say to me today that they don't know how I do it. How I go through all of this shit, especially now, and still manage to keep a smile on my face? My answer-because I have kids. I have 3 kids that depend on me. Mommy's cant cry even if they are dying inside. I have to be strong for THEM.
And now lets see what is on my plate this week-tomorrow I have to go to a hearing to fight my homeowners association. I still am waiting to find out if I qualify for unemployment. I still cant find a job. I have to find a way to get money to pay rent that was due on July 1st. I have to get money for my bills. And some how manage to feed my kids. All while hoping my gas, electricity and phone doesn't get turned off.
Life is grand.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
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