Went for my mammogram/ultrasound/surgeon consult today. I do NOT have breast cancer (yay) just a few cysts that re nothing to worry about. I have to go for a recheck in a few months to make sure there haven't been any changes.
What a RELIEF!
The stress over that is finally gone!
Best day ever!
Now of course I still have to get my cervix tests back but I am not nervous about that at all. I have been there, done that, so whatever.
So now tomorrow is a new day.
I have to lose some weight. HAVE TO. I don't know what happened. I have been thin my whole life, almost sickly looking at times. Had a flat stomach after 3 kids. Then i turned 30.
All down hill from there.
Of course, with me not working, I have become a little less active, if active at all on some days.
I swear some days I hardly move from the couch. It has become my happy place lol.
So tomorrow I am going to start eating 3 meals a day. Which is A HUGE thing for me. I hate eating. So i eat like once a day, sometimes not even that.
So the dieting starts tomorrow or at least that is the plan.
Not sure if I will feel like following through with "the plan" when i wake up.
I also have to brush up on my algebra skills tomorrow. I have to retake the math entrance exam this week. Registration for school is Nov. 30th and I have to know what math course I am going to be able to take.
Oh and I am going to start using coupons and saving money where ever I can. Things are pretty lean around here and with Christmas coming, it may even get worse. So I need to start saving wherever I can.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Random
I promised myself I would post something everyday. So here we go.
some very random things about me
1.When I drive, I have no clue where the front of the car starts and where the back of the car ends. It takes me at least 4 gear shifts between reverse and drive to get out and in of parking spaces
2. Douche bag is my favorite thing to call people
3.I am considering getting internet access on my phone JUST for facebook status updates
4.I dont think I own a complete matching pair of socks. Well I am sure I do but my socks haven't been a complete 100% match in months.
5. I quit smoking. It lasted a month without any cheating. I celebrated with a cigarette. I am smoking again.
6.I have an OBSESSION with eye lashes. I am about to start wearing fake ones if I could figure out how to not look stupid while wearing them.
7.I have dreams about my teeth falling out constantly. And not just falling out for no reason. i push them out forcefully with my tongue. I wonder if I am really pushing that hard on my teeth when I sleep?
ok thats it. Yay I posted something!
And I leave with this picture of Trystan on his first day of school. they game him a name tag to wear around his neck. So I made him turn his head and hold it up for a profile mug shot picture.
some very random things about me
1.When I drive, I have no clue where the front of the car starts and where the back of the car ends. It takes me at least 4 gear shifts between reverse and drive to get out and in of parking spaces
2. Douche bag is my favorite thing to call people
3.I am considering getting internet access on my phone JUST for facebook status updates
4.I dont think I own a complete matching pair of socks. Well I am sure I do but my socks haven't been a complete 100% match in months.
5. I quit smoking. It lasted a month without any cheating. I celebrated with a cigarette. I am smoking again.
6.I have an OBSESSION with eye lashes. I am about to start wearing fake ones if I could figure out how to not look stupid while wearing them.
7.I have dreams about my teeth falling out constantly. And not just falling out for no reason. i push them out forcefully with my tongue. I wonder if I am really pushing that hard on my teeth when I sleep?
ok thats it. Yay I posted something!
And I leave with this picture of Trystan on his first day of school. they game him a name tag to wear around his neck. So I made him turn his head and hold it up for a profile mug shot picture.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Off to the doc......again
I swear I am so getting sick of doctor appointments.
Today I am off to the doctor for a colposcopy. It's really weird that 2 different parts of my body are now being tested for cancer. Funny how life is, huh?
This is I think the 10th one of these I have gotten. They suck!
I have had cancerous cells in my cervix since I was 14 and here we are (almost) 20 years later dealing with the same thing.
I have had my cervix frozen 2 times, scraped 3 times, 2 LEEP procedures and some other one that I can't recall.
The last time I dealt with this, I was this >< close to being diagnosed with cervical cancer. The only thing that was stopping the diagnosis was that it did not embed into the tissues outside my cervix or something like that.
How sad is it that I can't remember this stuff. I think because I have been dealing with this for so long, it is so easy to forget.
Then Tuesday I have my mammogram at 8:30, breast ultrasound at 9 and consult with the surgeon at 9:30. Pretty tight schedule there.
But I have realized that if I do have cancer in my boob and/or my cervix, it will be ok.
It has to.
There isn't any other choice.
My bff told me I am too much of a bitch to die young. I think she is right.
Today I am off to the doctor for a colposcopy. It's really weird that 2 different parts of my body are now being tested for cancer. Funny how life is, huh?
This is I think the 10th one of these I have gotten. They suck!
I have had cancerous cells in my cervix since I was 14 and here we are (almost) 20 years later dealing with the same thing.
I have had my cervix frozen 2 times, scraped 3 times, 2 LEEP procedures and some other one that I can't recall.
The last time I dealt with this, I was this >< close to being diagnosed with cervical cancer. The only thing that was stopping the diagnosis was that it did not embed into the tissues outside my cervix or something like that.
How sad is it that I can't remember this stuff. I think because I have been dealing with this for so long, it is so easy to forget.
Then Tuesday I have my mammogram at 8:30, breast ultrasound at 9 and consult with the surgeon at 9:30. Pretty tight schedule there.
But I have realized that if I do have cancer in my boob and/or my cervix, it will be ok.
It has to.
There isn't any other choice.
My bff told me I am too much of a bitch to die young. I think she is right.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
A lot on my mind
I am going through a LOT right now.
2 weeks ago i went to the gyno to get an IUD and a pap.
Of course he did a breast exam. No big deal or at least I thought. he was concentrating a little too much attention on this one spot on my right boob (cant call it breast because I associate the word breast with cancer). He kept going back to it which was weird because there shouldn't be any issues there.
He said he felt a lump BUT it could just be a lumpy part of my cycle. Nothing to worry about but he would recheck it when i came in for the IUD.
So Nov. 6th I went back.
I was pretty confident because everyone had been telling me that it is common, don't worry, its nothing, all week. Plus I checked myself while I was in the shower that morning and I didn't feel anything. Of course, I don't know what I am looking for.
Drove to the doc. Went in. He did the breast exam again. He was still concentrating in that one spot.
No change.
I have a 3x4cm mass in my right boob.
have to get a mammogram and ultrasound next Tuesday. Followed by meeting with a surgeon to go over the results.
That was a weird day.
On the way to the docs office, I was thinking about Ayden's football games this weekend.
On the way back, I was thinking about life insurance.
I gave myself sometime on Friday to cry, whine, feel sorry for myself.
But that is all the time I will spend worrying about it.
Or at least I thought.
I focused on the kids all weekend. And just had a great time.
Then on SUNDAY at 9:03pm my phone rings. I answer and its a lady that is asking for donations to breast cancer research.
Well that killed the mood.
Now I am sitting here researching mammograms, lumps, masses, breast cancer etc.
I am dealing with the "what ifs?"
What if it IS breast cancer?
What if I die?
What if I have to go to chemo?
What if I cant go back to school?
What if I cant volunteer at Trystan's school anymore?
What if I lose my hair?
How will my family cope?
I do everything around here. What if I am not here to do it?
I guess I will find out on next Tuesday. Until then I will try to push all these worries aside and put on my best smiling face.
I just hope it isn't bad news.
2 weeks ago i went to the gyno to get an IUD and a pap.
Of course he did a breast exam. No big deal or at least I thought. he was concentrating a little too much attention on this one spot on my right boob (cant call it breast because I associate the word breast with cancer). He kept going back to it which was weird because there shouldn't be any issues there.
He said he felt a lump BUT it could just be a lumpy part of my cycle. Nothing to worry about but he would recheck it when i came in for the IUD.
So Nov. 6th I went back.
I was pretty confident because everyone had been telling me that it is common, don't worry, its nothing, all week. Plus I checked myself while I was in the shower that morning and I didn't feel anything. Of course, I don't know what I am looking for.
Drove to the doc. Went in. He did the breast exam again. He was still concentrating in that one spot.
No change.
I have a 3x4cm mass in my right boob.
have to get a mammogram and ultrasound next Tuesday. Followed by meeting with a surgeon to go over the results.
That was a weird day.
On the way to the docs office, I was thinking about Ayden's football games this weekend.
On the way back, I was thinking about life insurance.
I gave myself sometime on Friday to cry, whine, feel sorry for myself.
But that is all the time I will spend worrying about it.
Or at least I thought.
I focused on the kids all weekend. And just had a great time.
Then on SUNDAY at 9:03pm my phone rings. I answer and its a lady that is asking for donations to breast cancer research.
Well that killed the mood.
Now I am sitting here researching mammograms, lumps, masses, breast cancer etc.
I am dealing with the "what ifs?"
What if it IS breast cancer?
What if I die?
What if I have to go to chemo?
What if I cant go back to school?
What if I cant volunteer at Trystan's school anymore?
What if I lose my hair?
How will my family cope?
I do everything around here. What if I am not here to do it?
I guess I will find out on next Tuesday. Until then I will try to push all these worries aside and put on my best smiling face.
I just hope it isn't bad news.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Seriously do you hate me THIS much?
Being a mother is tough, I want the BEST for my children. I will protect them at any costs. I live for them, I would gladly die for them. They are the reason I wake up in the morning. My kids are EVERYTHING to me. EVERYTHING.
How is that not the same for all mothers? Especially MY mother?
I have been wracking my brain and searching for the reason my mother hates me so much. The only thing I have discovered is my mother doesn't JUST hate me, she loathes me. She wants to destroy me.
Why? How does that happen?
I have always been the black sheep of the family. I am the youngest of 3, isn't the baby supposed to be favored? Did she not get the memo? Did she never watch the Brady Bunch when everything that little bratty Cindy did was forgiven and laughed at?
Instead I am more like that little shit cousin Oliver that brought the Brady Bunch down. Poor Oliver, he will always been known as the kid that ruined the Brady Bunch. Am i seriously putting myself in the same category as cousin Oliver? Oh crap is this what depression feels like?
Let's move on before I compare myself to DJ from Roseanne!
My mom is a spoiled child. She throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her way. She also does not like the fact that i am the authority figure when it comes to my 13 year old daughter. Somewhere in my mom s warped mind, she thinks being the Grandmother trumps what I say. But not every Grandmother, just HER. If my husbands mother pulled this shit my mom would have her head on a platter.
My mother is insane. An insane spoiled brat that enjoys torturing me. Not my brother or my sister, just me.
For the last 36 hours, my mom has threatened me my phone, email, and Facebook. It all started because I told my 13 year old daughter that she can't have a computer of her own. This isn't news to Kayla by any means. She had a computer that we took away a year ago because she abused the privilege-sneaking on without permission, chatting on weird forums with odd people etc.
my mom decided she is buying my daughter a computer. I told Kayla no.
She texted my mom on the cell phone that my mom bought her which was also not approved by me. Again Kayla had a cell phone and she abused the privilege. But my mom bought her one anyway. Well the reason for the cell phone is here is so Kayla can text my mom 100x a day and complain about me. And of course my mom then talks shit about me to my daughter. I told Kayla she cant have a computer. She texts my mom,. My mom talks shit. I take the phone away for the night.
My mom is FUMING because I wouldn't allow Kayla to have her own computer, so she starts writing rude things on my facebook wall. Like take care of your kids instead of being on the computer. Why is Kayla NEVER on the computer and you are? bla bla bla
Then my mom found out that I took the cell phone-she loses her mind. Calls my house leaves threatening messages on my phone. Writes on my facebook wall again. Emails me threats to give Kayla's phone back or shes calling CPS and going to the police department to see what they can arrest me on. I delete her from facebook. She then starts sending friend requests to my facebook friends trying to talk shit about me on their walls. Luckily I have stopped that for now.
I got an email from her last night saying I have gone over her deadline she allowed me to give Kayla back the phone. I didn't know there was a deadline, it wouldn't have made any difference but I still didn't know. But now that the deadline has been reached she is going to do EVERYTHING in her power to get me arrested. Including contacting my Uncle who is a retired Chicago police officer to assist her in what charges to falsify.
She called child protective services, they were at my door this morning. I didn't answer it because I was fucking fuming. If they come back tomorrow I will let them in. But today was not a good day for me mentally. I would have gone to jail.
So I am sure they will be my morning wake up call again tomorrow. JOY
I just don't get it. I don't understand when she went insane. I don't know why she feels that since she cant control what happens in my house the only option is to get me arrested and try to get my kids taken away from me. How does this make any sense? How can someone that gave birth to me and raised me, hate me so much?
Hate me so much that her only goal now is to destroy me. How does this happen?
All I can do now is pray.
Pray that my kids will not be effected by her insanity.
Pray that this will all blow over.
Pray that whatever claims she makes against me are not taken seriously.
Pray for my daughter that loves her Grandmother so much and now my mom has forced my hand to cut off all ties with her.
I guess over all pray for my mom.
That some day she can see past her hatred of me long enough to figure out that the only thing she is doing is destroying the relationship that she could have had with my 3 wonderful, beautiful children.
I just don't understand why she hates me SO much.
How is that not the same for all mothers? Especially MY mother?
I have been wracking my brain and searching for the reason my mother hates me so much. The only thing I have discovered is my mother doesn't JUST hate me, she loathes me. She wants to destroy me.
Why? How does that happen?
I have always been the black sheep of the family. I am the youngest of 3, isn't the baby supposed to be favored? Did she not get the memo? Did she never watch the Brady Bunch when everything that little bratty Cindy did was forgiven and laughed at?
Instead I am more like that little shit cousin Oliver that brought the Brady Bunch down. Poor Oliver, he will always been known as the kid that ruined the Brady Bunch. Am i seriously putting myself in the same category as cousin Oliver? Oh crap is this what depression feels like?
Let's move on before I compare myself to DJ from Roseanne!
My mom is a spoiled child. She throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her way. She also does not like the fact that i am the authority figure when it comes to my 13 year old daughter. Somewhere in my mom s warped mind, she thinks being the Grandmother trumps what I say. But not every Grandmother, just HER. If my husbands mother pulled this shit my mom would have her head on a platter.
My mother is insane. An insane spoiled brat that enjoys torturing me. Not my brother or my sister, just me.
For the last 36 hours, my mom has threatened me my phone, email, and Facebook. It all started because I told my 13 year old daughter that she can't have a computer of her own. This isn't news to Kayla by any means. She had a computer that we took away a year ago because she abused the privilege-sneaking on without permission, chatting on weird forums with odd people etc.
my mom decided she is buying my daughter a computer. I told Kayla no.
She texted my mom on the cell phone that my mom bought her which was also not approved by me. Again Kayla had a cell phone and she abused the privilege. But my mom bought her one anyway. Well the reason for the cell phone is here is so Kayla can text my mom 100x a day and complain about me. And of course my mom then talks shit about me to my daughter. I told Kayla she cant have a computer. She texts my mom,. My mom talks shit. I take the phone away for the night.
My mom is FUMING because I wouldn't allow Kayla to have her own computer, so she starts writing rude things on my facebook wall. Like take care of your kids instead of being on the computer. Why is Kayla NEVER on the computer and you are? bla bla bla
Then my mom found out that I took the cell phone-she loses her mind. Calls my house leaves threatening messages on my phone. Writes on my facebook wall again. Emails me threats to give Kayla's phone back or shes calling CPS and going to the police department to see what they can arrest me on. I delete her from facebook. She then starts sending friend requests to my facebook friends trying to talk shit about me on their walls. Luckily I have stopped that for now.
I got an email from her last night saying I have gone over her deadline she allowed me to give Kayla back the phone. I didn't know there was a deadline, it wouldn't have made any difference but I still didn't know. But now that the deadline has been reached she is going to do EVERYTHING in her power to get me arrested. Including contacting my Uncle who is a retired Chicago police officer to assist her in what charges to falsify.
She called child protective services, they were at my door this morning. I didn't answer it because I was fucking fuming. If they come back tomorrow I will let them in. But today was not a good day for me mentally. I would have gone to jail.
So I am sure they will be my morning wake up call again tomorrow. JOY
I just don't get it. I don't understand when she went insane. I don't know why she feels that since she cant control what happens in my house the only option is to get me arrested and try to get my kids taken away from me. How does this make any sense? How can someone that gave birth to me and raised me, hate me so much?
Hate me so much that her only goal now is to destroy me. How does this happen?
All I can do now is pray.
Pray that my kids will not be effected by her insanity.
Pray that this will all blow over.
Pray that whatever claims she makes against me are not taken seriously.
Pray for my daughter that loves her Grandmother so much and now my mom has forced my hand to cut off all ties with her.
I guess over all pray for my mom.
That some day she can see past her hatred of me long enough to figure out that the only thing she is doing is destroying the relationship that she could have had with my 3 wonderful, beautiful children.
I just don't understand why she hates me SO much.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Pity party....guess whos invited?
Ughhhhh I hate the fact that I have become so angry since all this bull shit has started with my former employer. The anger and sadness comes and goes, but when it comes it comes like a freaking freight train. And it hurts. Hurts really bad.
I wish i could snap out of it but so much has happened and I every day when I wake up I know I am fighting for my family and myself. Why does everything have to be a fight? It seems everything I have, I had to fight for, including the ability to stand up for myself. And once I win the fight to get it, I continuously have to fight to keep it. Cant anything just come easy? Not for me, that's for sure.
My biggest fear right now is what if I lose on this sexual harassment thing. What if things don't go my way? Will I come out of it as a stronger person? Or will I realize that sometimes it really isn't worth standing up for yourself? Will I be the same as I was before? Or will that overwhelming self esteem I have built back up over the years vanish into the distance yet again? I don't have the answers but I sure as hell wish I did.
I had a friend say to me today that they don't know how I do it. How I go through all of this shit, especially now, and still manage to keep a smile on my face? My answer-because I have kids. I have 3 kids that depend on me. Mommy's cant cry even if they are dying inside. I have to be strong for THEM.
And now lets see what is on my plate this week-tomorrow I have to go to a hearing to fight my homeowners association. I still am waiting to find out if I qualify for unemployment. I still cant find a job. I have to find a way to get money to pay rent that was due on July 1st. I have to get money for my bills. And some how manage to feed my kids. All while hoping my gas, electricity and phone doesn't get turned off.
Life is grand.
I wish i could snap out of it but so much has happened and I every day when I wake up I know I am fighting for my family and myself. Why does everything have to be a fight? It seems everything I have, I had to fight for, including the ability to stand up for myself. And once I win the fight to get it, I continuously have to fight to keep it. Cant anything just come easy? Not for me, that's for sure.
My biggest fear right now is what if I lose on this sexual harassment thing. What if things don't go my way? Will I come out of it as a stronger person? Or will I realize that sometimes it really isn't worth standing up for yourself? Will I be the same as I was before? Or will that overwhelming self esteem I have built back up over the years vanish into the distance yet again? I don't have the answers but I sure as hell wish I did.
I had a friend say to me today that they don't know how I do it. How I go through all of this shit, especially now, and still manage to keep a smile on my face? My answer-because I have kids. I have 3 kids that depend on me. Mommy's cant cry even if they are dying inside. I have to be strong for THEM.
And now lets see what is on my plate this week-tomorrow I have to go to a hearing to fight my homeowners association. I still am waiting to find out if I qualify for unemployment. I still cant find a job. I have to find a way to get money to pay rent that was due on July 1st. I have to get money for my bills. And some how manage to feed my kids. All while hoping my gas, electricity and phone doesn't get turned off.
Life is grand.
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